Tuesday, February 13, 2001

Today I was looking at the sky The moon was looking really nice and all I turned a corner and there it was the moon was behind a cloud shaped like a fist Taunting me Wow I said What symbolism Well sure enough there was a silver lining but I think it was there to taunt me Well today sucked The girl I asked out seems to have been calling me her moon face or something More symbolism Argh I hate this Today this guy came into my English class He came to talk about credits and gave us a fucked up little paper that you check off what credits you’re making Sure enough the checklist is inaccurate or some shit and I had to put myself through two hours of worrying I then talked to my counselor who showed me a paper that said I was doing all right Cost of worrying: lost my time, told mom to get little brother and she came to pick me up a half hour later and then I had to pick up my bitchy little sister who as luck would have it was out for blood Later today when I figured I would get my fucking rest time I ha my mom tell me I was going to go work out which was ok because she would be out of town at the time originally scheduled So I get there a half hour late, which my mom blamed entirely on me even though the bitch had to be talking to her friends When I got there the lady who is supposed to be my personal trainer and my moms little buddy or something was completely and totally absent minded about my rescheduling She tells me to do 30:min of cardio I did all of that and towards the end that I’m not going to have time for my weight training and my control freak mother insists that we have to go but that I have to do all of the exercises and she goes without asking me (or rather she asks me and disregards my answer) and she schedules for tomorrow because, uh oh, she’s going to be here after all!! After I complain in front of this lady and seem like a total baby in front of her My mom tries to buy my forgiveness with a smoothie, which she unnecessarily gets without sugar or some thing ad then when I complain about that, I again look childish as hell All the way home I bitched her out to no success she did not budge from her decision nor did she get angry She is still making me go to the gym tomorrow and now for no apparent reason she’s trying to switch me gradually to sugar free smoothie I for one, am pissed off Why does our school board constantly keep raising its standards? I mean its not like its hard enough without them trying to hold us down. Why do they keep making it harder for us to get into college? Why is it so important that we take more tests to tell us the same thing? Well I’m done ranting if I have more I will keep going but now I’m tired
Well this is me and this is my life Why I decided to write this crap? I’m not even sure all I know is that I'm going to run this through and put everything I feel on it pressing all of the buttons that suit me By line 4 I already have two red zigzag lines indicating I need to spell check this shit Well this is my life I’m Leo sign Leo and I am a Brazilian I hope everyone understands that my thoughts don’t matter so don’t go publishing this saying it gave me hope for the future:: sob:: (no I didn’t say son of a bitch) Well here goes nothing I live here in Miami and this is Wednesday February 7 2001 the first entry is going to suck like all the others but its good that I’m writing to get shit off my chest It sure beats fucking talking to myself Today what I did was I had to write some essay in English Some practice shit for some bigot funded standardized test or some shit like that In any case I went in thinking how much I hate writing and how much I wish I dint have to do it The prompt came I thought nothing of it was no real big deal I had to pick a character from a book or something Someone that was in some way memorable well just then I thought how OBVIOUS I quickly chose Holden Caulfield from catcher in the rye I want to say just exactly what I wrote but I don’t have the patience so instead I’m just going to say that my hand never flowed so much on a sheet of paper Not even when doing my shitty drawings and such I wanted to keep going I normally hated writing but this was different I had been thinking about this for say… three or four weeks and I had been comparing myself to this hypocritical idiot and I realized that I was this hypocrite And I kept thinking how much people suck Ghetto people with their stupid hip-hop whatever that’s really about guns and money and getting their dicks sucked An rockers with their stupid stupid ness and still their good crappy music that ghetto people talk trash about and that I don’t like to talk down to but still these new kids thinking they are gothic and what not I just don’t understand it Aah this is so good for busting stress I feel better already between this and working out I’m going to be just fine I’m online and I just can’t focus I got pissed and called my friend a stupid burnout but I hate people being mad at me so I made it look like some joke Pretty shitty huh? Back to my story with no more tangents I hope I was just thinking how much people suck and how the movies are phony too and how the last of good television programming had turned its back on me ad it hit me how much of a hypocrite I am I am SUCH a hypocrite I cant stand people being all phony and ugly but still I’m hideous and I m not perfect either and then I though of how dreadfully lazy I am and so was my thought process Well if you have ever read The Catcher in the Rye you know how all this that I have described is Holden Caulfield (or Caufield I ‘m not sure anymore). I just wanted to say that I don’t know why I said al of that maybe just because I thought it would make me feel better I’m pulling out of my depression. I really feel good now It’s funny though I was depressed as hell for no obvious reason I am now going to register a new AIM screen name I’m going to try Holden but if it doesn’t work I’m just going to put a number on it if not I’m going for something like true Holden or real life Holden Ah Women drive me insane This one girl I asked out she’s all like Ooh I want to but I like my old boyfriend Then I bring it up with her again and it’s like oh ok The following time I said something… I think I wanted to make real plans… I had to remind this chick that we were going to go out The next few days she’s my friend the whole time but makes no point in talking to me No movement whatsoever and I had to initiate contact every single time the whole thin was going to be this weekend but I may have had to leave town for my sister’s cheerleading nonsense in the end I wasn’t going to leave but whatever So this girl, she cant seem to make a definitive sign that she actually wants to go out with me and this being after she’s agreed to it I feel like a charity I feel like she as going out with me out of pity or something I don’t know and at this point I don’t care Like twenty minutes ago I talked to her and this bitch says and I quote “Ugh…. this is so hard” At this point I am internally pissed but god forbid poor Leo put his feelings out about anything I told her I wasn’t mad and that I didn’t care and that was that I don’t know why I left it that way I don’t even know what brought me to ask this poor girl out Maybe its best that I am writing this after the whole battle it was to get her to go out in the first place For Christ sake I almost drove a friend to suicide in the process I would want to write this way about how I took three bullets from him and I sure as hell don’t want to put this in writing as my feelings were hot off the presses 9:19 pm Wow I’m happy I got a card today by taking a 40-question test it says a whole lot about me First of all it says I’m a person Finally indisputable evidence it’s got a little picture of everything and me It says my age the date Has my signature on it too Real little though And guess what on the side of it even says I can drive with old people But that’s not the cool part Did I mention it had my picture? Just thinking to myself if I’m in a hall with a sign that says no running and I am running past an unarmed security guard how do they catch me? They sure as hell wont RUN after me will they? I sure hope not That would be hypocrisy wouldn’t it? I’m not sure maybe if the guard had made up the rule. Damnit I have a good family but my sister is so fucking stupid I don’t like discussing it She just has such nonsense in her head Take this for example, I have to hear from her all the time that songs that are say a month or two old are….well….old. It just doesn’t make any sense who the hell does she think she is determining what’s old or new like the fucking ruler of the world and the crap she listens to on the radio gets played out so fast that I almost don’t blame her… almost. Speaking of the radio It sucks lately you ever notice that you just cant find a half decent station that’s not playing bad metal or worse hip-hop? And its not just radio The whole media has gone to hell Stupid magazines can’t stop talking about cute boys and what not and these paparacci whatevers are chasing down celebrities and now they even have a kill count I shouldn’t talk... I’m a photo student destined to work for these assholes but I don’t care Maybe ill kill the back street boys someday in a vicious car accident where I was chasing them down in my motorcycle and we run into some tunnel in Paris and they flip over and oh wait this seems familiar Munkies munkies live on trees! Munkies munkies don’t you see? Munkies munkies not like these! these are spelled monkeys and they hang on trees BLOG?! What the fuck is that? I hear it’s called a web log or something I don’t know I know that I don’t like that word I think I wont use it Damn photo teacher She’s a tree-hugging hippie An Indian friend of mine (from India) was talking to this bitch and the bitch begins by saying that she travels everywhere (the liar never left the U.S.) so this friend of mine asks have you ever been to India? Now this teacher is not only a hippie but a feminist as well and she just goes off on my friend saying this and that about oh I’d never go to a place where women don’t have rights and this and that And today I was talking to this bitch and she just started ranting for some odd reason about how America doesn’t belong to the “Americans” and that these Indians were here first and that only rich people are mentioned in the history books and I mention that there are plenty its just that the leaders of country make names and the dumb bitch is furious I will leave today saying this…what the fuck 10:00 I got to go I’ll throw in some words of wisdom later.